


This is Gospel

by bringmesomepie



Series: In the Spirit of Song [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, Brain tumor, Caring John Winchester, F/M, I cried when i wrote this, I'm Sorry, M/M, MAJOR TEARZONE, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, SOO MUCH FEELS, Sick Dean Winchester, THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF FLUFF, Tumor, WARNING!!! FEELS, WHOLE LOT OF CRYING, death!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 17:16:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmesomepie/pseuds/bringmesomepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you love me, you'll let me go</p><p>This is Gospel<br/>by: Panic! at the Disco</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Gospel

“How long?” He asked. He looked at the doctor and then into this boyfriend, of 9 years, hospital room. 

“You’re not going to like it.” The doctor replied. “I’m sorry, we could try more chemo, but the tumor has grown and move to a place in his brain that it can’t be removed. He will be put under Hospice Care.”

“I said…How long?” He repeated holding in his tears. 

The doctor sighed. “Mr. Novak, I’m sorry.”

“How long, goddammit!” Cas yelled tightening his clenched fists.

“4 weeks, give or take a week.” 

He nodded his head and the doctor patted him on the shoulder and walked away. Cas stood blankly in the doorway of his boyfriends room with tears streaming down his face. He would be taking him to a care facility today, not home like that plan. He walked into the room. “Hey, baby.”

“Hey, Cas. Are we going home?” 

“Um, no, Dean. We have a change of plans.” 

Dean nodded.

“We are gonna go to a hospice care home to help you.” 

"Ok. " Dean said simply.

“OK?”

Dean nodded.

“How is that ok, Dean?” Cas choked out close to tears. He sat down on the bed at Dean’s feet. “How are you so calm about this?”

Dean shrugged. “I guess I have mentally prepared myself.”

“No, no, no. Don’t say that. You’re gonna get better. The tumor will shrink and we can go back to our normal lives.” 

“Cas, I’m not a drooling mess yet. Yeah, I weak, tired, and forget things, but I’m not stupid. I heard you and the doctor talking. I have 4 weeks left.”

“I’m not going to let you die. We are going to find a way to get you better.” Cas sobbed. 

“If you love me, let me go.” Cas just stared at Dean. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He shook his head as Dean had drifted into space and stared at the television. Dean looked back over at Cas. “Where did that come from?” 

“Where did what come from?” Cas asked. 

“That TV.” Dean pointed.

“It’s always been there, babe.”

“Oh.” Dean said before staring off again. 

Cas had crawled into the hospital bed with Dean and Dean rested his head on Cas’s shoulder and drifted to sleep. Cas aimlessly ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. 

An hour later Dean was dressed and out of the hospital bed, they have talk him into it, but Cas and a nurse got Dean to walk with a walker for safety reason to the Impala. 

Dean looked like he was wiped out when they got to the car. Cas drove and after the 45 minute drive to the care center Cas had to wake Dean from another nap.

“Dean, we’re here.” 

Dean’s eyes fluttered open. “Ugh, more walking?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, baby.” 

“No, it’s fine. I’m just tired.” Dean sighed. 

“Well, I called here a few minutes ago and they said your rom is ready and they are just waiting for your arrival.” 

Dean nodded and half an hour later Dean was settled into the room. Dean was asleep once again and Cas was curled up tight in a chair letting tears run down his face as he watched his lover. He had called Sam when they were leaving the hospital. Sam decided to take a leave for the semester at Stanford to be there for Dean. Jess would stay for as long as she could. 

John and Mary were going to be there in the morning. That gave Cas all night to stare at Dean and cry and wish that it was him who was the one with the brain tumor and not Dean. 

The next few days were filled with John, Mary, and Sam Winchester, Jess and Cas surrounding Dean and just talking. John and Mary would stay at Dean side and Sam would sit on the couch with Jess at his side. If Cas wasn’t laying in the bed with Dean he would be sitting in the recliner he had slept in the last few nights. 

They would just talk. The subject didn’t matter, anything was good enough. Two days passed and Jess had to leave back to Stanford and John had to go back to work. Mary had things to do and plans to make. That left just Sam and Cas with Dean. 

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*

3 Weeks Left…

 

Cas was hit hard when he could tell Dean’s deteriorating health. He watched Dean go from walking around the center a little bit to staying in his room and even on one piece of the furniture. The recliner. 

He watched Dean go from having full conversation to now trailed off fragment of sentences. Sam still comes over every day. He stills talks to Dean like he normal and not dying. 

Dean would sleep a lot. He was asleep more than he was awake. Cas was the opposite. The nurses would force him to sleep and would wake him up when Dean woke. 

I was late one night. Cas was looking through pictures on his phone when Dean woke up. He was sitting on Dean’s hospital bed. Dean stopping sleeping on it now, he stayed in the recliner. Cas saw Dean lift his head. “Good morning, baby.” Cas greeted him.

“What time?” Dean slurred barely able to keep his head lifted.

“It’s about 7:15 in the morning.”

“Wher’ Sam’y?” 

“He should be heading over here right now.” Cas tried to smile.

“Got a talk to him.” Dean managed to say. 

“What are you going to tell him?” 

“Goodbye.” 

Cas’s eyes widen. “No, not yet, Dean.” 

“Die soon.” 

Cas could feel the knot in his throat grew and tear welding in his eyes. “Dean, you gotta stay strong for me, baby.” Cas whimpered. “You still have a few weeks. No goodbyes yet. You’re not leaving me yet, I’m not gonna let you.” 

“If ya love me, let me go.” Dean slurred. 

Cas shook his head. Dean fell asleep again and Cas cried. Sam came in as Cas cried. “What’s wrong?” Sam asked as he walked in. 

“Dean wants to tell you goodbye.” Cas whimpered. “I…I…can’t…”

Cas couldn’t even finish the sentence. He didn’t have too. Sam ran over to him and wrapped his around Cas in a warm embrace. Cas sobbed in his chest. 

Cas calmed down and realized that Mary and John were with him. They took him out of the care center to get coffee and leave Sam alone with Dean. 

Sam moved a chair off to the side in front of the recliner Dean was sleeping in. He held his head in his hands which his elbows were propped on his knees. He just talked with Dean. He talked about thing that he couldn’t with Cas. 

“Hey, Dean. You’re doing so good, man. I have been thinking a lot since I left Stanford. Remembering. Like when you broke your leg jumping out of the tree to save the neighbors cat or when you beat up the school bully because he pushed you first. The little memories are my favorite. The first Halloween were you were allowed to take me trick or treating without Mom or Dad was my favorite overall. You were Batman and I was Robin. I remember the teaching me how to work on cars and pick up girls even though you were a closeted gay back then you still knew how to pick up the girls. I will never forget when you had your first date with Cas. I was 13 and you were 17. You couldn’t figure out what to wear and were freaking out. Cas and you are soulmates by the way. I have never seen any two people more happy to be around one another than you and Cas. I’m serious, Dean. You’re relationship with Cas is what I base my relationship with Jess like. I aim for us to be like you. I don’t want you thinking that you need to say goodbye, man. I know already. I love you, Dean. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. Just a little longer.” Sam said as he started to cry.

It was an hour later before Cas, John and Mary came back. That gave Sam enough time to stop his tears and act as that never happened. 

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*

2 Weeks left…

 

They forced Dean in get into the bed. He was now completely bedridden. Mary and Sam and even Jess would come by and talk with Dean. They would be speaking to him and he would fall asleep. Mary freaked out at first and talked with a nurse and she explained that it was normal. 

Dean, if awake, was most confused with little spurts of alertness. Most of the time he was glassy eyed. Cas was dumbfounded that just a month prior was he was talking, walking, laughing, having fun, and fucking his boyfriend and now he just watched Dean sleep or mumbled to himself. 

This morning Cas had just woken up to find John had come by himself. Here’s the thing about John, ever since Dean was given his dead line, he has been standoffish. He would visit whenever Mary visited and would blame the garage being busy. Cas’s thought was that it was John can’t stand to see his eldest son dying. 

Cas watched as John sat on the chair right beside Dean’s bed. John took Dean’s hand into his own. “Hey, Bud. I’m sorry, I don’t come around a lot. I…I just can’t…I can’t think about…burying you. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to bury me. You’re supposed to marry Castiel, adopt some kids, watch them live their lives, and live happily ever after.” John paused as he watch Dean move his hand up to his. 

Dean’s nurse, Jody Mills, told Cas and Sam that indicates he could be having headache pains. Cas just realized something that John had just glazed over. Right then was the first time Cas had ever gotten approval of Dean and Cas’s relationship. At first Cas felt a sense of warmness fill his chest, but that was crush by reality. Dean was never really going to hear that John said that, even if he did he wouldn’t remember. That’s when he was crushed. Dean didn’t have much longer. 

Cas couldn’t help the tears run down his cheeks. He couldn’t hold it in any longer with John still in the room. He sat up from the recliner and held his head in hands and sobbed. John was startled. “Cas?” John stepped over to Cas. “What’s wrong, son?”

Cas shook his head. “That was the first time I heard you approve of me and Dean.” Cas whimpered. “But Dean doesn’t have much longer.” 

It looked like John had been hit by a ton of bricks. Cas could see the tears weld up in John’s eyelids. His lip quivered. John pulled Cas into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Castiel.” 

John left soon after that. Cas now sat where John was and Sam showed up a little while after that. Dean started telling Sam and Cas that he was seeing angels. A dark red haired one, a brown british one with a deep v-neck, a big black one with a deep voice, and a short brown haired silly one. 

Cas rubbed Dean’s hair as Sam was the one looking through pictures. Dean’s eyes fluttered open and he looked around the room as if searching for someone. His eyes landed on Cas and he calmed down. “Hey, baby.” 

“I gotta get ready.” Dean slurred. 

“For what?”

“I have to go.” Dean looked at Sam.

“You have to go where, Dean?” Sam asked. 

Dean remain silent but kept looking at Sam but as if he was looking through him. Sam looked at Cas. “This must have been what Jody was talking about. Talking, but not making any sense.” Cas said. 

“Well, he was talking about the angels.”

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*

7 Days Left…

 

Cas sat beside Dean’s bed 95% of the time now. He was constantly holding Dean’s hand and kissing it every now and then. Dean would move his legs restlessly while he slept now, as if he was uncomfortable. Every time he did Cas would kiss Dean’s hand. 

Dean started having a low grade fever, but Jody said that was normal. Dean stopped audibly talking, now it’s more of a soft mumble. Sam came in today with Jess. Mary and John didn’t show up. 

“Hey Cas.” Sam said. Jess silently waved. 

“Hey.” Cas whispered. 

“How is he?” Jess asked.

“He has a low grade fever right now.” Cas stared at nothing. 

“It’s gonna be ok, Cas.” Sam patted him softly on the back. 

“I wish I could believe that, Sam, but all I can think about is that my boyfriend is dying and I’m sitting here doing nothing, because there is nothing.”

“Let’s go on a walk Cas.” Sam said standing up and help Cas to his feet. That left Jess alone with Dean. At first she felt awkward just sitting there on the couch watching Dean sleep. She stood up and sat down in the chair where Cas was sitting. That’s when dean started moving his legs again. 

It scared Jess at first but she took Dean’s hand and rubbed her thumb over the top gently. Then she started speaking. “Um, hey, Dean. It’s Jess. I know we never got to really know each other, but from Sam has told me about you, I wish we did. I saw how you and Sam acted around each other, y’all really love each other like family. I remember when I first met you. I was 17 and Sam was 18. We went over to your place and Cas was there. I wish I had a relationship like you and Cas have. You are like best friends. Cas hates seeing you like this. I wish you would see Sam graduate or me and him get married. You were going to throw him the best bachelor party ever and Sam would hate it. You would be the best man and fake forget the ring just to make Sam smile. You would be the fun uncle. The one our kids would want to see and you would spoil them rotten…” Jess couldn’t say anymore she had start sobbing at this point and Sam and Cas had walked into the room. Jess stood up and walked over to Cas and melted into his arms. “I’m sorry.” 

Cas just held Jess tight. Cas looked over at Sam and he was wiping tears from his eyes. “It’s ok.”

Jess couldn’t stay there any longer. Sam drove her home for the night. Cas was once again at the side of Dean’s bed holding Dean’s hand and kissing it over and over again. “It’s not ok. I’m ok.” Cas said to himself. 

 

*&^%$#@#$%^&**&^%$#@!

3 Days Left…

 

Sam walked into the room one afternoon and he knew it was a rare moment that Dean was awake. He raced over to Dean’s side. “Hey, Dean. It’s Sam.” 

Dean tried hard to keep his eyes open. 

“It’s good to see your big green eyes for a change.” Sam smiled. Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. 

“He hasn’t been awake for long. He came at a good time.” Cas tried to give a weak smile. 

“He looks hot.” Sam felt Dean’s cheek and forehead.

“Apparently that’s normal, and apparently it’s normal for his hands to be cool.” Cas said holding back tears. 

Dean looked at Sam like Dean was neither here nor there. “I’m glad you’re awake. I have news to tell you.” Sam tried to smile. “I proposed to Jess this morning. We’re gonna get married.”

Dean placed his hand on top of Sam’s. “Go’d j’b, S’my.” Dean calmly, quietly slurred. 

Sam’s face lit up brighter than the sun to hear that from Dean. Sam couldn’t help but smile as tears flooded his eyes and down his face. Cas’s couldn’t help but smiled either. He covered his mouth with his hand as he cried once again. 

Dean wasn’t awake much longer. Sam went to John and Mary house to tell them what happened, but first he went to Jess and told her what happened. Sam couldn’t have been any happier on that day. 

Cas watched Dean as his eyes were closed yet he was “awake”. “I love you, Dean. I love you so much. Don’t leave me, not yet.” 

“I’ y’u l’v’ me l’t me go.” Dean mumbled. Cas could have sworn it was something along the lines of if you love me, let me go.

Cas just shook his head like always. 

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!

Final 48 Hours…

 

Cas knew it was going to be bad from now on. Dean was unresponsive most of the day and barely ever moved. 

Cas called and told them that Jody says Dean’s reaching the end. It should be any day now. That afternoon Mary, John and Sam all came Dean’s room. No one talked. They just sat in a comfortable silence. Mary held John’s hands tightly and Sam watched Dean’s chest move up and down. At one point Mary forced John, Sam and Cas out of the room so she could have a moment with her son alone. The boys walked out and got something to eat. 

Mary sat down beside Dean’s bed. She rubbed Dean’s head gently. Dean’s jaw was slack and eyelids were partially open. Jody says that’s normal like everything else. She say it’s dues to voluntary muscles losing control. 

“Hey there, baby boy. It’s Mom. You’ve been fighting so hard these last few years and I’m so proud of you. I hate seeing you like this but I know you’re finally going to be free of pain very soon. There’s angels’ watching over you, love. You know, it’s a Mama’s worst nightmare to see their baby pass. I would never wish this upon you, darling. I prayed every day that you would get better, but always in the back of our mind it would come to these last few weeks and you have been doing so good. I love you, Dean.” Mary stood up and kissed Dean’s forehead. Dean nodded after the kiss and Mary had a little hope that he could have been listening. 

A few minutes later Cas, Sam, and John came back. John comforted Mary and Sam went back to staring at Dean’s moving chest. Cas just ran his fingers through Dean’s hair aimlessly. 

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!

Just Hours…

 

Cas was startled awake by Dean’s faster harder breathing. It was like he was hyperventilating. Cas rubbed Dean’s arm in fast circle. “It’s ok, Dean. I’m here. I’m here, it’s ok.” Cas was panicking. He pressed a button to call for Jody. 

Jody walked in Cas was on his feet one hand holding Dean’s the other rubbing circle in Dean’s hair. Jody could hear Dean’s breathing. “It’s ok, Castiel. Not much longer now.” Jody said as her voice breaks a little. 

Cas picks up his phone and dials Sam’s number. Cas had just realized that it was 2 in the morning. 

“Cas?”

“Sam, it’s happening. Jody says hours. I can’t be here alone. I can’t…I can’t watch this.” 

Cas heard Sam gasp in air. “It’s ok, Cas. I’m leaving right now. Everything is going to be ok.” 

Cas was sobbing. “He leaving me, Sam.”

“It’s ok, Cas. This has been in the back of our mind for years.” 

Cas fell to his knees then onto his side in fetal position on the ground. He was in a uncontrollable sob. Jody had barely seen it but was at Cas’s side immediately. “Don’t leave me, Dean. Please.” Cas panicked. 

Jody held Cas in her arms holding him tight. When Sam arrived 10 minutes later Jody had gotten Cas back into the chair beside Dean’s bed. Sam could hear Dean’s breathing. Sam understood why Cas had a mental breakdown. Cas loved Dean more than anything and it was killing him watching Dean die.

Sam sat on the other side of Dean and then said nothing. Cas couldn’t say anything. Sam had plenty to say.

Sam started to hum. Cas recognized the song. Then Sam sang.

‘Mama, take this badge off of me.  
I can’t use it anymore,  
It’s gettin dark, too dark to see,  
I feel I’m knockin on Heaven’s door.’

Cas smiled and remembered the song. Dean play that song when he would be working on a car or the Impala. Which was all the time. Dean would hum the song absentmindedly and Cas would caught him in the act. Cas song along after Sam got through the chorus.

‘Mama, put my guns to the ground,  
I can’t shoot them anymore,  
That long black cloud is comin down,  
I feel I’m knockin on Heaven’s door.’

Sam and Cas both sang the last chorus and smiled with tears in their eyes. Cas and Sam both looked at Dean.

Dean let out a sigh and then slightly opened his eyes. He looked so relaxed, but then Sam noticed it. 

“He isn’t breathing.” Sam’s lips quivered. 

Cas nodded and tears feel down his cheeks.

 

*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*

2 Days Later…

 

Cas walked up to the stand above Dean’s casket. Looked around at all of Dean’s family and friends. “Some of you know Dean as a close friend and other know him as a son or brother. I know Dean Winchester as a boyfriend, lifelong partner. I was there when Dean took his last breath.” Cas gave a half smile and looked at Sam. “Ironically, Sam and I were singing Knockin on Heaven’s Door to him. He would absentmindedly sing that song all the time. I was there when Dean found out about the tumor and I was there when he was finally at peace. When Dean was given a deadline, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from find a way to save him. Dean told me not to, so I obeyed. It killed me to watch him go from a perfectly health looking man in his late 20’s to go to...I loved Dean Winchester, hell, I still do. No one compares to him in my eyes. I wish he didn’t have to go, but I’m glad he is at peace now. And Dean, if you’re out there, I do love you and that’s why I’m letting you go.” Cas smiled and the audience of Dean’s family and friends and cried. 

After everything Cas could finally breathe easy knowing the love of his life was at peace.  
***

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked writing this fic. I cried writing a lot of it, which was a strange feeling to cry over your own writing. I hoep you liked it.
> 
> Please give me some songs to write about. Give me a idea you wnt me to write about dealing with that song :)


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